T is for Television

Television is a Form of Idiot-Lantern that does enjoy preternatural Popularity amongst the English, a comforting Heart unto which Englishmen long to return at the End of their Day’s Labours in order to observe the Folly of other People’s Lives.

In England, Television is provided by Act of Government: alas this does not imply that Ministers must enscript and enact each Episode of EASTENDERS, more that liberty-loving Citizens do arrogate the Right to dispute Television as much as they do Politicks.

Those who favour Television may part with some forty Guineas each Month to bedeck their Homes with almighty Iron SHIELDS or Snakes of Copper-Cable, both of which act as Sluice-Gates to a Tide of low Entertainment from the American Colonies & from Britain’s antient Past, when interminable Chandlery Howards’s Way & domestick Pirate LOVEJOY were the very Apogee of Modernity.

Today each Purveyor of Television does endeavour to broaden his Wares, opening number’d Playhouses where Performances may be higher of Brow, wider of Remit or, more likely, lower of Audience. It is to be assum’d that ITV4 is thus nam’d after the Quantity of its Viewers, whilst the Channel nam’d E4 1 strives to teach Arithmetick unto its infant Charges.

An insatiable Demand for Eye-Laudanum & an endless Supply of Television Channels combine to bring forth a great Bounty of Television Programmes. Herewith the listings of to-day:

24: n.

Sisyphean Ordeal as Mister Kiefer SUTHERLAND suffers all the World’s Ignominies & inflicts all its Cruelties in four & twenty Hours

Big Brother: n.

Channel IV’s most admirable Medickal Endeavour to confine derang’d Wretches unto Bedlam

Come Dine With Me: n.

confin’d Supper of disagreeable Persons, bone-head’d Opinion & inedible Victuals, thus an Approximation of HELL

Mad Men: n.

Colonial Acting-Troupe prais’d by those who find Drama in narrow Lapels & HAIR-POMADE

Midsomer Murders: n.

Genteel Weekly Massacre ‘pon the Scale of CULLODEN, with Mister John NETTLES as a bucolick Angel of Death

Sex and the City: n.

gaudy Account of the whorish Misfortunes of a Coven of Harpies, thus a great Delight for dowdy Women-folk

Extracted from Dr Johnson’s Dictionary of Modern Life (£9.99 Square Peg)