My belov’d Publisher has ask’d me to share some Peregrinations ‘pon how the Internet has chang’d our Use of Language & our Pursuit of Knowledge. I approach this Topick as a Gardener might approach an untended Garden, for no Plant or Vine does grow as heartily, nor merit pruning as ardently as human FOLLY, especially when fed with the pungent Fertilizer of the Internet.
Like a ne’er-ending Cheapside Coffee-House or an infinite Shelf of my Lord HARLEY’S Library, the Internet does bind all the Wits & all the Knowledge of the World in one almighty Highway of ETHER. This Super-Highway is as treacherous as any Turnpike, for it is laid with lewd Aquatints of Harlots in yr. Area & foreign Peddlers of Quack-Medicine. And, like any of the King’s Highways, it does fall Prey to electronick Highwaymen, who might make like a Cut-Purse ‘pon a Man’s Banking-Deeds. Any Corner of the Internet whence Slatterns do emerge to show a Flash of Stocking-Top are likely to be teeming with Footpads, who wait to pilfer an unsuspecting Gentleman’s Pass-Words should he pass a Door mark’d CLICK HERE.
This unseemly State of Nature applies likewise to Knowledge ‘pon the Internet. Here Knowledge is not a Product of Investigation; it is a Product of Disputation. For as every Man has the Right to define what is Fact, every Man now claims the Right to dispute that Fact. Thus what passes for Fact is in Truth a heated Tavern-Debate ‘pon the Topick; whether it be the Matter of who unleash’d a Fusillade ‘gainst President KENNEDY or what is the proper Arrangement of Girls Aloud in order of HOTNESS.
Much Mischief does follow from such a State of Nature. Oftentimes I am tempted to inveigle myself into Mister James WALES’S Wikipedia & adulterate the Entries to state that Mister Noah WEBSTER did wear his Wife’s Under-Garments, or that Mister Benj. FRANKLIN did accompany Mister Gerry RAFFERTY’S Baker Street ‘pon the Saxophone.
Opinion, which is Free in the Sense of without Cost or Value, moves as swiftly ‘cross the Internet as the Pox moves through a Bagnio. One Ignoramus may preach his Ignorance unto the whole World, while his Audience may respond in Kind. An eddying Current of Information added unto a ready Supply of Dunces makes good Hunting Ground for a Hothead seeking to press-gang a MOB. Any Man who adds his Name unto a Petition or forwards a Missive unto his Friends does raise an electronick Pitch-Fork & can be led to march on any Foe, from a Merchant-Adventurer who does pollute the Seas with Oil to an impertinent Wretch who does not show sufficient Respeckt unto Mister Stephen FRY. The Mob of th’Internet swings both Tory & Radical, ready to lay Siege in equal Numbers ‘gainst those who warn of the warming Globe & those who would deny it.
Indeed a new Form of online Discourse has emerg’d for the Parsing of Knowledge. Such Debate does depart from the classickal Athenian Rules of Rhetorick, unfolding thus:
I say unto you that Mister JENNER’S Vaccine does cause Enfeeblement & Dropsy. I counter, saying that the Govt. does hide the Whereabouts of mystickal flying Carriages from far Moons. I refute both, by comparing said Arguments unto the Policy of hateful Habsburg Corporal Herr HITLER.
Further Language has arisen that one may express Emotion without needing the tiresome Recourse to Arranging Sentiments in one’s Head before expressing them from one’s Keyboard. Today the barbarous Cant of ABBREVIATIONS now suffices. One may salute a Fellow’s Wit by averring LOL in Stead of “I Do Laugh Out Loud, In The Manner Of FALSTAFF” or ROFL in rightfull Place of “I Do Roll ‘Pon The Floorboards As Might A Bedlamite.”
To them, I say RTGD: “Read The Godforsaken Dictionary!”
The free Passage of Information is said to be a Marvel of the Internet by all save those who actually live by the Printing-Press. Lowly Scriveners such as poor Messrs. Rupert & Jas. MURDOCH do berate the Internet for taking the Bread from their indigent Mouths, hiding what Knowledge they own ‘neath electronick Fortification call’d a PAY-WALL. This Pay-Wall is said to be as impregnable as Hadrian’s Wall; indeed both do discourage Englishmen from encountering the Barbarism on the other Side.
As a humble Lexicographer, I have neither Authority to change Men’s Habits, nor Interest in stemming the Outflow of WORDS, merely to define the Folly that emerges from them. I merely counsel that Sirs, you are entitl’d to yr. own Opinions but not to yr. own FACTS.
Dr. Johnson's Dictionary of Modern Life: Survey, Definition and Justify'd Lampoonery of Divers Contemporary Phenomena, from "Top Gear" Unto Twitter is published on 2 September by Square Peg
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